When you finally find what you've been looking for.

So, it's always been said that when you stop searching for something, you often find it. The harder you look, the less you can see. You end up finding the wrong thing, you find something that you think is right but it really isn't. You waste time on lacing up shoes that don't fit. Precious time. Time that can be spent on yourself. On finding who you are.

I find it incredibly sad that people can fall in love but be so terribly wrong for each other. That we can give someone a piece of us that is so important and it just really not be the best idea. We fall prey to infatuation. We become meat for the lion and try as we may we just can't escape the claws.

We become disheartened. We feel that nothing will ever feel the same again. We give up. We tell ourselves that we don't need someone to complete us and you know what, We don't. At All. We're already complete. We just need to find someone that can walk that mile with us. Make us smile and help to protect that valuable gift we give them.

Don't have "A Type".
Don't tell yourself that you can't have what you want.
Never ever feel that you don't deserve to want the best for you.
You don't have to settle.
Wait.
Breathe.
Learn to love YOU.
Learn to let the right people into your life by not seeking them out.
Don't search for love.
Let love search for you.

I read an interesting article, written by a man, about the two types of relationships we have. Fuck Yeah and Fuck No.
The premise being that if you aren't both Fuck Yeah, there's no point. It's so true. Why on earth we accept someone feeling Luke warm about us is beyond me. I want someone that wants me. I want someone who thinks that not having me in their life would be pretty shit. You shouldn't have to fight someone for their affection. It should come as naturally as breathing in and out. As naturally as a heart beating or an eye blinking. It should be effortless.

I stopped looking. I was having fun. Seeing friends, enjoying being me. Learning to love myself. I had finally made peace with being on my own. I threw caution to the wind and asked someone out on a date. Someone not my type in the slightest. I don't even know what made me do it. I'm not one for asking anyone out.

I didn't expect to enjoy myself as much as I did. We ate ice cream, we drank, we laughed... lots. It was casual and relaxed. I didn't dress up to the nine's. I was me. I had the best time. So much so that 5 weeks down the line we are together. I wasn't looking, I wasn't desperate for someone to complete me. I wasn't interested in being tied down again. It seems it was just my time.

So now I have this guy who is silly, the biggest nerd known to man, he makes me laugh so hard that I snort and I smile all the time. So many people have commented on how happy I seem. It's a completely different feeling to anything I've had before. It feels effortless. I don't feel stressed or anxious or that I have to try to mould myself into someone I'm not just to keep someone else happy. This person seems to like me just as I am. That's special that is. He's special.

So here's to starting this year in a positive manner. I don't give a shit if you are all fed up of my soppy stuff. It's nice to feel this way again. To actually feel that there's someone in this world that is on my wavelength. To not feel like an awkward nerdy freak.

I love him for that. For making me feel normal. For the first time in my life.

I'll be there for you... Cause you're there for me tooooooooooooooooooooo...

My friends are amazing.

Truly.

They put up with my loudness, my embarrassing behaviour when I'm drunk (Or sober) and they never falter. They pick me up when I'm down and always make me realise that I'm doing alright.

I have such an eclectic mix of friends. I have those who like to sit and have a quiet coffee, those who I laugh so hard with that I might just pee a little and those who frankly, I need. Those who can look at me and say "Sweetheart, Are you ok?"

So this is just a HUGE public thank you. For all of you who play a part in my life no matter how big or how small. No matter whether you put up with me because you have to, or because actually, you do like having me in your life.

To old friends, and new friends... Thank you. For being part of my spider web. For being the missing piece of my jigsaw, the icing on my cake and the cherry on top.

I love you all.



Ames xx

The things they don't tell you about losing weight...

So as most of you know (As I never shut up about it) I have lost 3 stone 4 pounds since January. 46 pounds of fat that I didn't need. It's completely changed my body and I am now fitter and healthier and determined to never go back to how I used to be. Along my journey I have been amused by the side of weight loss that no one prepares you for.

The amusing side to weight loss!

• You suddenly resemble Bruce Banner when he reverts back from Hulk every time you go to get dressed. Everything hangs off of you like it's been stretched in the washing machine. Nothing in your wardrobe remotely fits and it just gets worse the more you lose.
• You take out shares in Primark leggings because you are going down in sizes at a constant rate and cannot face baggy knees for more than a week.
• You realise that you no longer need to wrap yourself in a bath sheet. A bath towel can and does fit comfortably round you now. Result. Less washing.
• You can still lose weight AND eat great things like cake. However you hardly ever eat it because you can't stand too much sweet stuff now.
• Your scales become your best friend. The ones in the kitchen any how. You automatically weigh everything, including your post that comes through the door. Ooops.
• Your bathroom scales however become deadlier than a walk into Mordor. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'VE PUT A POUND ON OVERNIGHT? Oh water retention... my bad.
• When you go clothes shopping, you still pick up your previous sizes and assume they will fit. They don't. So stop it. Pick up the smaller size and own it. (I must admit I take my boss shopping with me. She always tells me off for picking up massive sizes)
• You suddenly become a Selfie Queen and annoy the crap out of your amazing friends because you feel so much prettier these days. Must. Take. Less. Photos.
• You feel the need to tell everyone what meal you've had. You take photos of said meal. Post it on Facebook and yet again annoy the crap out of said amazing friends.
• Your friends are astounded when they haven't seen you for ages. Like seriously astounded. When you've always been the "Big chick" they just can't get their head around you having a skeleton that is sort of visible (I am finally learning to love my now visible collarbone).
• You cannot eat big meals any more. Even if you try. You fall at the first hurdle and resort to eating kids meals. Unless you've been running... Then you want to eat the Earth AND it's Moon.
• You start running. Well some of you may. I did. I hated exercise for so long and now I actually crave running like it's some mad hallucinogenic drug.
• You spend all your spare cash on bright running gear. You have to look on point whilst sweating like a pig right?
• You can feel your muscles and bones. It's creepy at first. Then you start to sit and stroke yourself. It can disturb other people so please do this at home to avoid creeping out amazing friends, See previous points.
• You realise that you don't need fad diets, cleanses, detoxes, spend money attending classes. You can do it all on your very own using will power you never knew you had.
• You can walk up hills without dying half way up. Yep up an actual hill.
• C Section mum's - Even when you lose shed loads of weight, you may still have your "pooch" I just tuck mine in my knickers and hope for the best!!

These are just some of my stupid observations as I've gone through the last 9 months. There are so many benefits to losing weight. I haven't felt so well in years. It's nice to have clothes that don't make me look like a squashed sausage.
Anyone wanting to lose weight, You can and will do it if you put your mind to it. I've proven it's possible. I've always been big. Anyone who has known me since school will tell you that. I'm now the smallest I've been in years.

You've got this...!

Why are we such judgmental douchebags?

I saw a friend post a photo on Facebook earlier. It was a comparison of two women and how one was better looking than the other due to one being heavier and less curvaceous than the other.

It got me thinking about the whole "body shaming" phenomenon. Why do we judge each other? Whether intentional or not, we all do it to some degree. We even self shame. Why are we so horrible to ourselves and others? What do we gain from ripping each other to shreds instead of building each other up.

As humans, we are all self critical. No one can honestly say they are 100% happy and confident with who they are. No one. We all have what we class as flaws; wobbly bits, scars, spots, too much hair, not enough hair... the list goes on. We pull ourselves apart and it hurts. It's painful to realise that we are so down on the person that we are.

Knowing how horrible it is to hate parts of yourself, why do we then judge others? Why do we feel that it's ok to make others feel how we ourselves feel every time we criticise our own bodies? We must realise that we have thoughts and feelings. So do others.

We've all flicked through celeb mags and commented on how slim Cheryl Fernandez Whatever She's Called these days is or passed comment on so and so putting weight on and having cellulite blah blah blah... So? Who cares? Who does it directly influence? Who are any of us to have the right to judge another human being on their appearance?

I have raised Noah to never judge anyone on their appearance. He never looks at me and comments on the things that I hate. He compliments me in the most beautiful of ways. He sees only his mother. He doesn't see the wobbly belly, the hairy bits, the stretch marks or the odd spot. He sees a woman who loves him and is there for him. He sees my best bits.

Surely we should all do the same? See the best in someone and lift them up by complimenting them on it. If we are complimented we should thank the person not brush it off and start moaning that we are too fat or spotty or ugly etc.

As one of my favourite authors once said "Is fat really the worst thing a human being can be? Is fat worse than vindictive, jealous, shallow, vain, boring, evil, or cruel? Not to me"

JK Rowling makes so much sense. How we look is no reflection on how we are as people. You could be the most beautiful, flawless person on the outside but be cruel and ugly on the inside.

I'd rather be me, with my wobbly belly (I got that through having an amazing child) and my frizzy hair and chunky legs (Great for swimming you know) and know that I am a kind, loving person than be the most stunning woman in the world and be a bitch.

Let's build each other up. Let's build ourselves up. Stop judging people on the exterior and concentrate on the soul. I've never heard anyone insult my liver or my lungs for being too pink. I've never had anyone tell me that I have an ugly pancreas. I have however been told I'm, fat, ugly etc and you know what... Who cares. I am what I am.

That's all any of us ever can be.

Stop the parenting world, I want to get off!!!

I have had enough.

If I have to repeat myself 1000 times a day for the next 8 years I will cry.

"Turn your light off before you come downstairs please"
"Yes mum"

This is my conversation EVERY morning. Every morning I go upstairs before we leave to find his light is still on. Sometimes I actually trust him. This morning I trusted him. I didn't go upstairs until 9pm this evening as have had a ridiculously long day at work and didn't venture upstairs until much later on. His light was still on. It's been on since 7.30 this morning.

So yet again he's wasted 14 hours worth of electricity. 14 damn hours. Yes we have energy saving light bulbs and it probably amounts to pence but on what planet is this ok? On what planet does he live, that wasting electric and shrugging it off, is not a big deal?

Noah is a great child. He's intelligent, funny, sensible and lovely. Alas he has zero common sense. I am sick of repeating myself on an endless loop. I'm fed up of the constant battle of "It's bedtime" "Just one more video pleaseeeeeeeeeeee" That then turns into a twenty minute video meaning he still ends up in bed half an hour later than I would like.

The tougher I get, the more stupid he seems to become. He still has a severe lack of road sense which concerns me considering he will be walking himself to school in less than a years time. He cannot grasp that taking 15 minutes to get dressed when we have to leave in 5 minutes is not appropriate. He is so SLOW. Unless it involves something that benefits him.

I have a teenager, THREE YEARS EARLY.

He's too lazy to lift the toilet seat so if I'm not with it and just go to the loo, half the time I sit in a massive piss puddle which is apparently also ok. Let me tell you... FREEZING COLD BOY PISS IS NOT NICE TO SIT ON!

Why do we do it? Why do we have children only for them to torment us for the next 40000 years?
"When is your homework due in?"
"Monday, no Tuesday, erm no possibly Friday"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ASK YOUR DAMN TEACHER!!!

I love him to bits don't get me wrong but this both frustrates and annoys me beyond belief. I am almost tempted to record myself complaining at him that I can just play on loop and save myself the bother.

"Turn your light off, Turn your light off, TURN YOUR DAMN LIGHT OFF. Please get dressed, please brush your teeth, please lift the toilet seat, please flush the chain when you've done a dump bigger than a molehill, please put your washing in the basket. Don't leave that on the floor, PICK UP THAT THING OFF THE FLOOR THAT IS NOW BROKEN"

That's not even half of it. It would take me a week to record all the shite I have to say on a day to day basis. It's so tiring.

And all we parents ever get in return is a shrug.

What if we fool ourselves into being something we aren't?

I had a weird sort of realisation this morning. I've had my fair share of relationships. As with so many of us, these relationships have been both positive and negative. I've always wondered to myself what I've been doing wrong to end up single, alone, blah blah blah. I think we all wonder. What could I have done differently? Could I have been a better girlfriend? Would it have turned out well if I'd had 8 hours sleep a night instead of 6?

The thing is, we always have this image in our head of what a "perfect" life is. A husband, A wife, 2.4 children, a dog, a cat and a white picket fence. We see these perfect lives in films and programme ourselves to believe that we need to find our soul-mates to be whole. We can't be happy unless we are chained to someone else. We couldn't possibly find happiness and fulfilment in our own company. I'm no different. I have always believed that I needed these things to succeed and be happy.

So why whenever I am in a relationship do I feel trapped? Why do I become stressed, irritated and frankly annoyed with the person I am with. There really is no surprise that my relationships go tits up. People drive me mad like a bad itch that won't go away. So I can only conclude that I am just not made to be chained. I'm not a person who thrives when "In love". If anything it smothers me. I become someone I don't even know. A needy, clingy shadow of a woman.

My friends bring me happiness. Being around my friends is just the most amazing feeling. They make me laugh, provide me with company and I feel so alive when I'm with them. They are my perfect relationship. They are the healthiest relationship I've ever had.
Living alone can make you feel really insular sometimes. Then again when my little walls are breeched, I feel on edge. I get a bit anxious and wonder if I actually want people in my fort.

I'm a free spirit trapped in a Cancerian body. We love our homes, we love to care for people and we do love to love. However, I'm flawed in that really, I want to love myself and only myself. I don't know if I want the hassle of having someone else to consider. To become a we instead of a me. The thought makes me uncomfortable. It makes me think about the person I change into. The person who in effect, ruins another person that really doesn't need someone like me in their life. I'm the most selfish yet unselfish person I know. Confusing I know but I am considerate of others while-ever I myself are happy. When I'm unhappy, I am moody, hard to put up with and frankly, I can be a shit.

I do wonder if there are other people who feel like me. That try to fit a square peg into a round hole because we've conditioned ourselves to believe that we have to be with someone to be fulfilled. What if some of us are just not made for that. Even though we may want it more than anything, we are just not built that way. I'd be perfectly happy to live my life in my own little bubble. I want to surround myself with my friends. The people who are always there, never irritate me and don't take more from me than I am willing to give.

Then again. I need to not be unwilling to accept that I may be wrong. That maybe I'm just being hard on myself and that actually I've just not met the right person to deal with who I am yet. Who knows.

Realisation is sharp like a knife.

Dating... Scary Stuff!

I was recently reading an interesting article about dating and when "dating becomes a relationship". It got me thinking into how as humans we have this crazy courtship ritual before we are ever brave enough to say "You'll do" and make it official.

I do think that women perhaps chew this over more than men. Certainly the men leave it down to the woman to say "Yo, you gonna be my boyfriend or what?" as men are, I feel, happy to have this casual dating shite going on. Now in my past experience, I've just sort of drifted into relationships. It's never really been spoken about and after months of bugging each other and becoming inseparable, you sort of just assume that you're in a relationship. If no one ever actually says those words though, what are you?

The dance begins. You start to go out on dates. We get all nervous and panic. "What if he doesn't like me? What if he doesn't want to marry me after 3 hours of watching me scoff food and spill drinks down myself?" Ok slight exaggeration men... we don't honestly worry that you won't want to marry us after 3 hours, more like 4... ;) The date goes hopefully well and then we go home and we churn. Girls think about this stuff far too much. We become enamoured after one date. We start to imagine how life could be with this person. WAY too much over analysing going on. Men go home and probably feel deflated that all they got from the date was a huge bill and a peck of the cheek as he dropped you home. No decent woman has sex on the first date apparently... Apparently.

I recently went on a First Date. It deserves capitals, as really, it was my first grown up proper date where I was actually asked and I didn't have to beg someone to take me out. It was SO nerve wracking. Laying yourself bare to this person who's only knowledge of you is a drunken night out with friends where you pretty much showed yourself up the whole time. It was great. We had a lovely meal and awkwardness aside it was really really great. So First Dates, while a bit scary are actually a fantastic experience. They really leave you feeling exposed and for someone who doesn't often face their true self, it really shows you a lot about yourself.

I've always found that if I like someone, I become very comfortable with them, really quickly. I don't find long drawn out processes interesting at the best of times and even when younger could never understand this "Seeing" "relationship" stuff. I was never interested in dating more than one person at a time so for me, I just didn't see the point.
So at what point do you actually class what you are as "something"? Is it important to give it a label? Is it just women that need that security blanket of being able to call someone "My Boyfriend" instead of "This is So and So. We sleep and eat together" I have many male friends and can probably say that many of them aren't ever fussed about having a label.

Relationships are safe and warm. Dating is scary and edgy and full of uncertainty. But I quite like a bit of danger. I'm enjoying getting to know this lovely person without worrying about all the shite I always have in the past. I don't feel the need to want to rush in and sulk that we aren't married with 4 kids after 4 weeks. Maybe I have grown up. Maybe I'm just fed up of having crap relationships that fill holes in my life. Who knows. All I know is... for once, I'm not chasing the label. I'm chasing the fun.

So ladies, or indeed gents that are like me and worry that someone isn't willing to label whatever it is you've got going, DON'T PANIC. If you enjoy their company, love spending time with them, have an amazing time while doing so, just enjoy the ride. ;)