I had a weird sort of realisation this morning. I've had my fair share of relationships. As with so many of us, these relationships have been both positive and negative. I've always wondered to myself what I've been doing wrong to end up single, alone, blah blah blah. I think we all wonder. What could I have done differently? Could I have been a better girlfriend? Would it have turned out well if I'd had 8 hours sleep a night instead of 6?
The thing is, we always have this image in our head of what a "perfect" life is. A husband, A wife, 2.4 children, a dog, a cat and a white picket fence. We see these perfect lives in films and programme ourselves to believe that we need to find our soul-mates to be whole. We can't be happy unless we are chained to someone else. We couldn't possibly find happiness and fulfilment in our own company. I'm no different. I have always believed that I needed these things to succeed and be happy.
So why whenever I am in a relationship do I feel trapped? Why do I become stressed, irritated and frankly annoyed with the person I am with. There really is no surprise that my relationships go tits up. People drive me mad like a bad itch that won't go away. So I can only conclude that I am just not made to be chained. I'm not a person who thrives when "In love". If anything it smothers me. I become someone I don't even know. A needy, clingy shadow of a woman.
My friends bring me happiness. Being around my friends is just the most amazing feeling. They make me laugh, provide me with company and I feel so alive when I'm with them. They are my perfect relationship. They are the healthiest relationship I've ever had.
Living alone can make you feel really insular sometimes. Then again when my little walls are breeched, I feel on edge. I get a bit anxious and wonder if I actually want people in my fort.
I'm a free spirit trapped in a Cancerian body. We love our homes, we love to care for people and we do love to love. However, I'm flawed in that really, I want to love myself and only myself. I don't know if I want the hassle of having someone else to consider. To become a we instead of a me. The thought makes me uncomfortable. It makes me think about the person I change into. The person who in effect, ruins another person that really doesn't need someone like me in their life. I'm the most selfish yet unselfish person I know. Confusing I know but I am considerate of others while-ever I myself are happy. When I'm unhappy, I am moody, hard to put up with and frankly, I can be a shit.
I do wonder if there are other people who feel like me. That try to fit a square peg into a round hole because we've conditioned ourselves to believe that we have to be with someone to be fulfilled. What if some of us are just not made for that. Even though we may want it more than anything, we are just not built that way. I'd be perfectly happy to live my life in my own little bubble. I want to surround myself with my friends. The people who are always there, never irritate me and don't take more from me than I am willing to give.
Then again. I need to not be unwilling to accept that I may be wrong. That maybe I'm just being hard on myself and that actually I've just not met the right person to deal with who I am yet. Who knows.
Realisation is sharp like a knife.
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