Stop the parenting world, I want to get off!!!

I have had enough.

If I have to repeat myself 1000 times a day for the next 8 years I will cry.

"Turn your light off before you come downstairs please"
"Yes mum"

This is my conversation EVERY morning. Every morning I go upstairs before we leave to find his light is still on. Sometimes I actually trust him. This morning I trusted him. I didn't go upstairs until 9pm this evening as have had a ridiculously long day at work and didn't venture upstairs until much later on. His light was still on. It's been on since 7.30 this morning.

So yet again he's wasted 14 hours worth of electricity. 14 damn hours. Yes we have energy saving light bulbs and it probably amounts to pence but on what planet is this ok? On what planet does he live, that wasting electric and shrugging it off, is not a big deal?

Noah is a great child. He's intelligent, funny, sensible and lovely. Alas he has zero common sense. I am sick of repeating myself on an endless loop. I'm fed up of the constant battle of "It's bedtime" "Just one more video pleaseeeeeeeeeeee" That then turns into a twenty minute video meaning he still ends up in bed half an hour later than I would like.

The tougher I get, the more stupid he seems to become. He still has a severe lack of road sense which concerns me considering he will be walking himself to school in less than a years time. He cannot grasp that taking 15 minutes to get dressed when we have to leave in 5 minutes is not appropriate. He is so SLOW. Unless it involves something that benefits him.

I have a teenager, THREE YEARS EARLY.

He's too lazy to lift the toilet seat so if I'm not with it and just go to the loo, half the time I sit in a massive piss puddle which is apparently also ok. Let me tell you... FREEZING COLD BOY PISS IS NOT NICE TO SIT ON!

Why do we do it? Why do we have children only for them to torment us for the next 40000 years?
"When is your homework due in?"
"Monday, no Tuesday, erm no possibly Friday"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ASK YOUR DAMN TEACHER!!!

I love him to bits don't get me wrong but this both frustrates and annoys me beyond belief. I am almost tempted to record myself complaining at him that I can just play on loop and save myself the bother.

"Turn your light off, Turn your light off, TURN YOUR DAMN LIGHT OFF. Please get dressed, please brush your teeth, please lift the toilet seat, please flush the chain when you've done a dump bigger than a molehill, please put your washing in the basket. Don't leave that on the floor, PICK UP THAT THING OFF THE FLOOR THAT IS NOW BROKEN"

That's not even half of it. It would take me a week to record all the shite I have to say on a day to day basis. It's so tiring.

And all we parents ever get in return is a shrug.

What if we fool ourselves into being something we aren't?

I had a weird sort of realisation this morning. I've had my fair share of relationships. As with so many of us, these relationships have been both positive and negative. I've always wondered to myself what I've been doing wrong to end up single, alone, blah blah blah. I think we all wonder. What could I have done differently? Could I have been a better girlfriend? Would it have turned out well if I'd had 8 hours sleep a night instead of 6?

The thing is, we always have this image in our head of what a "perfect" life is. A husband, A wife, 2.4 children, a dog, a cat and a white picket fence. We see these perfect lives in films and programme ourselves to believe that we need to find our soul-mates to be whole. We can't be happy unless we are chained to someone else. We couldn't possibly find happiness and fulfilment in our own company. I'm no different. I have always believed that I needed these things to succeed and be happy.

So why whenever I am in a relationship do I feel trapped? Why do I become stressed, irritated and frankly annoyed with the person I am with. There really is no surprise that my relationships go tits up. People drive me mad like a bad itch that won't go away. So I can only conclude that I am just not made to be chained. I'm not a person who thrives when "In love". If anything it smothers me. I become someone I don't even know. A needy, clingy shadow of a woman.

My friends bring me happiness. Being around my friends is just the most amazing feeling. They make me laugh, provide me with company and I feel so alive when I'm with them. They are my perfect relationship. They are the healthiest relationship I've ever had.
Living alone can make you feel really insular sometimes. Then again when my little walls are breeched, I feel on edge. I get a bit anxious and wonder if I actually want people in my fort.

I'm a free spirit trapped in a Cancerian body. We love our homes, we love to care for people and we do love to love. However, I'm flawed in that really, I want to love myself and only myself. I don't know if I want the hassle of having someone else to consider. To become a we instead of a me. The thought makes me uncomfortable. It makes me think about the person I change into. The person who in effect, ruins another person that really doesn't need someone like me in their life. I'm the most selfish yet unselfish person I know. Confusing I know but I am considerate of others while-ever I myself are happy. When I'm unhappy, I am moody, hard to put up with and frankly, I can be a shit.

I do wonder if there are other people who feel like me. That try to fit a square peg into a round hole because we've conditioned ourselves to believe that we have to be with someone to be fulfilled. What if some of us are just not made for that. Even though we may want it more than anything, we are just not built that way. I'd be perfectly happy to live my life in my own little bubble. I want to surround myself with my friends. The people who are always there, never irritate me and don't take more from me than I am willing to give.

Then again. I need to not be unwilling to accept that I may be wrong. That maybe I'm just being hard on myself and that actually I've just not met the right person to deal with who I am yet. Who knows.

Realisation is sharp like a knife.

Dating... Scary Stuff!

I was recently reading an interesting article about dating and when "dating becomes a relationship". It got me thinking into how as humans we have this crazy courtship ritual before we are ever brave enough to say "You'll do" and make it official.

I do think that women perhaps chew this over more than men. Certainly the men leave it down to the woman to say "Yo, you gonna be my boyfriend or what?" as men are, I feel, happy to have this casual dating shite going on. Now in my past experience, I've just sort of drifted into relationships. It's never really been spoken about and after months of bugging each other and becoming inseparable, you sort of just assume that you're in a relationship. If no one ever actually says those words though, what are you?

The dance begins. You start to go out on dates. We get all nervous and panic. "What if he doesn't like me? What if he doesn't want to marry me after 3 hours of watching me scoff food and spill drinks down myself?" Ok slight exaggeration men... we don't honestly worry that you won't want to marry us after 3 hours, more like 4... ;) The date goes hopefully well and then we go home and we churn. Girls think about this stuff far too much. We become enamoured after one date. We start to imagine how life could be with this person. WAY too much over analysing going on. Men go home and probably feel deflated that all they got from the date was a huge bill and a peck of the cheek as he dropped you home. No decent woman has sex on the first date apparently... Apparently.

I recently went on a First Date. It deserves capitals, as really, it was my first grown up proper date where I was actually asked and I didn't have to beg someone to take me out. It was SO nerve wracking. Laying yourself bare to this person who's only knowledge of you is a drunken night out with friends where you pretty much showed yourself up the whole time. It was great. We had a lovely meal and awkwardness aside it was really really great. So First Dates, while a bit scary are actually a fantastic experience. They really leave you feeling exposed and for someone who doesn't often face their true self, it really shows you a lot about yourself.

I've always found that if I like someone, I become very comfortable with them, really quickly. I don't find long drawn out processes interesting at the best of times and even when younger could never understand this "Seeing" "relationship" stuff. I was never interested in dating more than one person at a time so for me, I just didn't see the point.
So at what point do you actually class what you are as "something"? Is it important to give it a label? Is it just women that need that security blanket of being able to call someone "My Boyfriend" instead of "This is So and So. We sleep and eat together" I have many male friends and can probably say that many of them aren't ever fussed about having a label.

Relationships are safe and warm. Dating is scary and edgy and full of uncertainty. But I quite like a bit of danger. I'm enjoying getting to know this lovely person without worrying about all the shite I always have in the past. I don't feel the need to want to rush in and sulk that we aren't married with 4 kids after 4 weeks. Maybe I have grown up. Maybe I'm just fed up of having crap relationships that fill holes in my life. Who knows. All I know is... for once, I'm not chasing the label. I'm chasing the fun.

So ladies, or indeed gents that are like me and worry that someone isn't willing to label whatever it is you've got going, DON'T PANIC. If you enjoy their company, love spending time with them, have an amazing time while doing so, just enjoy the ride. ;)

You cure my melancholic moods.

I'm a moody bitch. I'm a crabby Cancerian with the ability to go from Princess to Evil Queen in a matter of minutes. I am emotionally fired up and very often go through phases where I can be utterly vile to get along with.

I don't mean to be so melodramatic. I just am. It's my biggest flaw. I also see it as my greatest characteristic. I'm not afraid to feel. I'm not afraid to tell you how I feel. I'm not afraid to show you how I feel. Good or bad, I wear my emotions firmly on my sleeve and I love that about myself. It can be draining, on myself and those around me when I am in my darkest of places. I'm not ashamed that I suffer from depression. There are periods of my life where I do struggle with day to day life. My friends are great. They lift me up and try to get me to see that there are so many positive aspects to my life.

It's difficult facing "The Monster". He's terrifying. He's black and consuming and I have no shiny Patronus to send him packing. I have to rely on my strength. Strength I do not always have. I fight a good fight but sometimes I need that pair of arms to wrap around me and tell me it's going to be ok. To not judge me when I cry at nothing or can't explain why I feel the way I do. It's taken me a long time to find a set of friends who I know will do that, without question, without thinking and without reward.

I know I'm stressful to deal with when I'm not myself. I try my upmost to stay out of these funks and I'd like to think my friends would view me in a mainly positive light. I like to make people laugh, I like seeing them smile and happy and it destroys me to see them sad.

So this blog post is a thank you. To those of you who do understand. To those of you who do not look at me and think "What on Earth is she depressed for?" I raise my glass to those of you who can placate me when I'm losing my shit over being ignored. To those of you who text me out of the blue when you know I need to have a good night out. To those of you who don't get annoyed with me when I make plans and have to cancel them because I just can't deal with leaving the house.

And thank you to my newest friend. A friend who is showing me a different way of looking at things. That challenges me, makes me laugh and makes my world a brighter place. Who calls me narcassistic because I think he's a male me and I like that about him. Who drew a big penis with me in a pile of stones just because I'm a big kid at heart.

I love you all. Thank you. For curing my melancholic moods. x